The Anti Panto: Goldilock, Stock & Three Smoking Bears

The Anti Panto: Goldilock, Stock & Three Smoking Bears

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Have you had enough of Christmas already? Are you sick to death of hearing cheesy Christmas music? Have you contemplated killing your own children so you don’t have to make a nativity costume? Do you have the unbearable urge to shove a parsnip up a carol singer’s nose? Or strangle your other half with tinsel before embalming them with myrrh, wrapping their body in snowman covered sparkly paper and laying it in a god damn manger? Well maybe not quite, but you get the idea.

Sometimes Christmas all gets a little bit much, even we’ve been going Christmas mad lately with trips to Paris and Bath Christmas markets. Then we rubbed your noses in yuletide cheer by have a swanky festive afternoon tea. But do not fear, we haven’t gone totally Christmas crazy, in fact we have found the perfect antidote to Christmas for all you scrooges out there: The Anti Panto!

The Wardrobe Theatre at The Old Market Assembly in Bristol have a cracking little show that will knock every ounce of festive cheer from your exhausted body. Goldilock, Stock & Three Smoking Bears is a dark, adult only show that corrupts a much loved children’s classic with a liberal dollop of east end gangster doom.

The plot focuses on the trials and tribulations of Goldilock, an east end market stall trader down on her luck. After losing a card game she finds herself mixed up with notorious gangsters that Guy Ritchie would be proud of. Meanwhile some stoner bears move into the neighbourhood and find themselves drawn into the gloopy underworld of artisanal porridge making. With musical numbers, quirky characters and twisted humour the show is packed with hilarity served with a generous side of Scottish oats.


The Wardrobe Theatre is a cosy room at the back of The Old Market Assembly. It’s a casual affair where patrons are encourage to bring their drinks through from the bar and sit on benches to watch the show. The newly opened Old Market Assembly is a welcome addition to Bristol. Offering a great selection of hearty meals with plenty of vegetarian and vegan options. They also have a delicious selection of cakes and baked goods on offer throughout the day. It’s a great location for a day time coffee and a slice of cake, an evening meal, or pre show drinks. Once we’d had the festive stuffing beat out of us by Goldilock, Stock & Three Smoking Bears, we found a place in the bar and enjoyed live music from a local band. After a great evening we left the venue with big smiles and full stomachs. Although we did have to buy some mince pies on the way home, it is Christmas after all!

You can catch Goldilock, Stock & Three Smoking Bears at The Old Market Assembly in Bristol until 17th January 2016.

7 Responses

  1. “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” is one of my favourite films and the only one I like by Guy Richie. This parady of it and Goldilocks, looks just the sort of Panto for me. Thanks for sharing. Love all your photos too.

  2. That play looks fantastic. I enjoy the melding of wildly different genres. I miss theatre during the festive season. Britain offers such a wide array of styles and prices. Here there’s nothing we can really afford to attend as a family which is rather sad.

  3. I love this! Sadly I can’t get to Brizzle this year but I have a daughter and many friends both hers and mine and those we love jointly in the City so I am sharing this on FaceBook for those that can 🙂

  4. Envious…we need that show to come here…oh, and the bar/bakery, too. 🙂

  5. There’s a lunchtime theatre event in Glasgow called A Play, a Pie and a Pint (guess what you get?) At Christmas it morphs into A Play, a Panto and a Pint (oh yes it does!) Same idea – decidedly adult and great fun.

  6. I love Christmas!!! I like the sound of that panto.

  7. Now THAT looks like my idea of a Christmas day out!

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